The Beginning...

Atlas...Oh Atlas. Carrying the weight of the heavens on his shoulders so that we may be free. Atlas, once a Titan but now, tired...fading. The heavens are falling and the Devils are out to play. There's fire in the ocean and acid in the rain. I don't know how to fight the darkness, there's too much pain.

Author notes

Hello! Welcome to "Atlas Is Fading." I want to explain what this is and why im happy you're here. I'll first start off by saying that I explain a little about myself in the "About Me" section on the site but I will also explain it in here. This is not a one size fits all blog and this is not a self help blog. Well, actually I guess is really is. "self" (me) help. Im writing these blogs because I am tired of censorship in Instagram and other sites. If you are here chances are you know my Instagram, @S.L.McKinley, and you know that im a Writer/Photographer. I write poetry and other free verse type things. Sometimes its dark. Sometimes its erotica. Sometimes its dark erotica. And sometimes I want it to be ever darker than IG allows me without someone reporting me or the fact that I may sometimes say things that upset some people. That's okay with me. Again, this is NOT a one size fits all. If you don't like it, that's okay. I'm not mad. I promise! You shouldn't be either just because I say something that you don't find nice, sexy, all accepting, whatever. Just click the "x" on your tab and I'll be gone. But you can't report me because this is my site. Thats the beauty of it. Also, with TikTok becoming closer and closer to being banned and Instagram becoming the new TikTok, I know that photographers have to either become videographers or perish...This is my eulogy for when that time comes. I do hope you enjoy what I decide to put on here; whether it be poetry, rants or just short stories. Thank you!

The Beginning

Who am I? Im nothing more than a figment of my own imagination. I'm whoever you want me to be. Your friend, your father, mother, sister, brother, therapist, mentor...it doesn't bother me. I am however, human. I am no titan or badass or even a great person. I am not going to preach to you how to be a good person or damn you for being a bad person. Who am I? If I judge you then does that not give you the right to judge me? I would rather you not judge me because, as I have stated before, I am human. S.L. McKinley is a figment. A creation that I have molded from the bottoms of trauma in order to protect my mind from the devils that like to play ring around the Rosies in my head.

I grew up in a very loving family. Family was always such a huge part of my life. Still is. I love my parents and my sister. I didn't get beat up in school and I didn't get made fun of (more than you know, children are still children and that banter is always there...but I mean It was the 90s and early 00s so it wasn't like it is now.) and I had friends. I had girlfriends and I had "heartbreak" and then love again two months later. Like kids do. I moved around a lot in the first little bit but I ended up in Oklahoma for 2nd grade. I was smart in school back then but always had a hard time staying focused and motivated to sit in class because all I ever wanted to do was explore and wander around. But my grades were good because I could take tests really well. Thankfully because homework...well that was another story. My favorite subject was English. Always has been ever since Mrs. Ileys 2nd grade class. I can remember every one of my teachers names but the ones that made the most impact on me were my English teachers. Mrs. Iley, Ms. Haymaker, Mrs. Rollands, and Ms Boyd and Mrs. Hall. each one taught me or introduced me to something new. Whether that be, how the grammar worked, my first teacher crush (Ms. Haymaker), My first introduction to Suicide (Mrs. Rollands sister killed her self.), new music like Ben Howard (Ms. Boyd..second teacher crush) and then poetry (Mrs. Hall.). Poetry was introduced to me prior to Mrs. Hall but my love for it and my passion for it was stoked by her passion for teaching and her encouragement to keep writing. She was the first person to read my writing in School that wasn't a school assignment and she encouraged me to keep exploring the depths and see what happens.

However, Mrs. Iley was the first teacher in a new school and I was going by Luke at the time. I didn't know how to be myself so I had to hide behind a new name and my parents were happy to oblige. It wasn't until "The Beginning" of third grade I felt comfortable in my own name.

side note: My father never calls me by my real name anyway. Unless I fuck up really bad, but he has called me "Toe" since I was a baby. No joke. Even still to this day he will call me that. I was a bleach blonde headed baby till about the end of 1st grade and at least in America or the south, they call those babies, "Toehead"... I have no idea why! hahah I never questioned it and like I said, it allows me to know if I did something wrong or not. either it was Hey toe come here real quick! or HEY! get over here! haha pretty nice tool to read someones emotions!

I didn't have issues making friends back then even if I was still an introvert at heart. My first friend in Oklahoma was Ryan Brown. He actually kicked me in the chest full force on the swings because I was in my head and didn't notice I was walking in front of the swing set on the play ground. We became best friends from that day until around the beginning of high school. Then we had different friends and interests. I was never a self conscious kid until later in life but from pictures taken at the time, I gained a lot of weight from the summer into 4th grade. I never got picked on for it and I never noticed it. Seriously, never knew I was fat. I was fat the rest of my school years and never noticed it. I had times of sadness and I had times of self harm but none of them were weight related or being picked on. It was just a thing I thought was normal emotions for a kid/teenager. I remember my first time going to therapy was when I was around 12 or 13. For the life of me though, I couldn't tell you his name or the conversations we had in depth but I remember the diagnosis I first heard as a possibility of something "wrong with me" ( ill get to that later). I can however, remember the smell of the building inside and the entrance to the main lobby. I remember that a friend of mine (I won't say his name on here incase someone that knows us both reads this one day.) came walking out of the therapists office and I was so excited to see him because it was like oh wow you go here too!? Thats cool! I don't know why that was my feeling but it was. He always had a smile on his face and always wore chuck Taylors. Every year, a new pair of Chucks just looking fresh.

I digress. I remember the feeling of not wanting to be there because I had nothing to talk about. I was being forced to go for some reason. I remember telling him, "I have nothing to say to you." He said "Okay." Then, our sessions took off. I was there for a little while then one day, it stopped. I don't remember how it started or when it stopped. It's too blurry.

I made it to 9th grade and my world was going good. I stayed out of trouble, I was still head over heels for a girl that was just a friend and it never moved passed that haha. I lied, I got one kiss from her in the parking lot of the youth church by the water tower on Wednesday night. ha! That was like the best day of my life. Never had a chance with her though! Besides, her mother was not a fan of me because...well...my mouth started to get me in trouble when I started "speaking my mind" to anyone and everyone. I didn't think it was wrong if I was speaking the truth or being blunt. (there's a difference between blunt and asshole...I was an asshole a lot of the time when I would "speak my truth"). 10th grade came rolling in a flash. I was starting to be friends with people that were older than me at this point by a few years. Stephen and Chaz. I don't remember how we met or why I was their friend but I got along with them and when I started drinking we would drink together. I won't go into that much now. haha. I was starting to get in trouble at school after our school burned down. I was constantly in detention and ISP (in school suspension) constantly. Mrs Consella was the ISP teacher and she knew my sister and hated that I was constantly in trouble. She always wanted me to do better and get my head on straight. It wouldn't happen far far in the future and by that time, she had died of cancer.

Stephen was, unknowing at the time obviously, going to be the first friend I knew that would kill himself. They found his body in his truck in the field in the middle of summer with the windows rolled up and his brains on the back window.

It wasn't till we moved from my home town at the end of my freshmen year and moved to midwest city, which wasn't too far from where I grew up but far enough that I had to change schools, that my life changed again. That was "The Beginning" of what I will call, Self awareness. I was going to this new high school which was 100% bigger than my hometown. Not just the school I came from but the town I grew up in was super small. One of those stereotypical small town USA type places. Not Midwest city though. It was very big (compared to Jones) and it was a different level of humanity. More real world if I may. First introduced to what Gangs were, I was a minority in that school. I was joining Wrestling team but again...this was The Beginning of my Self Awareness time, so it was hard to fit in and accept myself as different than all of them. I wasn't a sports player. I played basketball in 6th grade and football my 7th and 8th grade years. But im not a Jock. So me jumping into a new school my 10th grade year and a new sport, wasn't the best Idea I ever had. I gave myself my first tattoo with a needle and pen ink and mouth was as sanitizer. It was worse horrible looking seeing as I can't draw on a piece of paper so imagine me carving a skate brand logo in my left arm. I can assure you it was not "Hey toe, that's an awesome tattoo" from my dad...at all.

I started skipping class in 10th grade after I was in ISP more than real classes. Mrs. Hall saw it coming and tried to get me to do better. But I "knew what I was doing". So far from the truth. I had tricked my parents into letting me get my lip pierced. So I had snake bites, a carved in tattoo in my arm, scars on my wrist from cutting and I looked in the mirror one day and realized...im fat. Im genuinely fat. I was devastated. I had a girlfriend at this time and things were going sideways and complete bonkers because...are you ready for this? Twilight. LMAO I wish I could make this part up but seriously, the second book came out and she read it then broke up with me because something happened in the book and somehow all guys are the same. or some shit. Then we got back together and then she cheated on me at some party and I blamed myself for that too. hahah. My sister gave me so much shit those days. She would have strangled me if she could have gotten away with it.

Here I am, a 10th grade drop out. Self harming. Drinking constantly with my friends. Not caring about a damn thing that I should have. I end up getting arrested and thrown in CIC (crisis intervention center) where I call my parents and they have 12 hours to bail me out or I end up in county jail till court. My dad wants me to rot in jail and my mother is screaming for her them to save her baby boy! I see my mom walk in to get me and wonder where my father is. He is just happening to be looking in his truck that I was driving that day that I had parked and left in the parking spot because...I mean, its hard to drive in the back of a cop car. He then happens to find the two half empty bottles of vodka that I was drinking the day earlier. It was not a good little bit for me following that. I go to court and get community service and then its expunged from my record.

All this time, im drowning in alcohol with my friends, cutting myself, and writing in a journal that I want to kill myself. I don't know why though. its not like I had a bad childhood. The issues I had in life were all my doing. Every single one...Maybe except this time in coach Womacks class when he lost his shit on me AND THENNNNN I told him to fuck off...before that though he had no reason to freak out on me like he did...but besides that my life is my fault. So why did I feel like ending it all. Again, I just thought It was normal emotions and this was just life. We ended up moving up to Maryland and that's when I got my GED. I thought it was best I go to college. I was excited as hell to go too! I made new friends, my first day I got a note on my truck that I was cute and she wanted me to hit her up. Things were looking up. I had older friends than before and my closest friend age wise was 27 at the time. the four of us always hung out and partied. I was 16/17 and I was hanging out with 27-29 year olds partying...not a good thing but I was happy.

Fast forward almost a year and I get this idea to join the military. I call this The Beginning of The Spiral

I'm going to be a Marine! Wrong...Im fat remember? The recruiter laughed in my face. "oh damn, sorry man, you're too fat. I can't even talk to you until you get 15 semester hours of college and lose over 100 pounds. What?! that's a lot of weight! I don't even know how to lose weight. I have never been to a gym at this point in my life and I had no one to tell me how to do anything like this. I was too ashamed to ask for help from my parents because im too fat for the military. (they were both Air Force) So what does one do? Starve yourself and run! If I ate, I threw it up. I would do this for about 6 months and I lost the weight. SSGT Hauck excepted me as a poolee and I went to bootcamp on an 03 contract.

I ate food and kept it down for the first time in what seemed like forever. I was happy. I was loving every second of it! The Screaming. The Physical activity. The being better than yesterday attitude.

I was becoming a Marine!

After bootcamp, A lot of things from my past were blurry or gone from my memory, for awhile at least. But what did stay was this feeling of being "too fat" and depressed randomly. Im fast forwarding past this next part because things were good mostly for several years. I went to my first unit. Met a lot of new people, deployed, came back and switched units to be close to my then wife. Had a beautiful daughter, my new unit was amazing. I became a workaholic and that impacted us a little bit. Time flew by!

Then I got the first call...

The Beginning...

(To be continued)