Unanswered Ponderings

I dont know if Im even allowed to ask but how are you?

If I asked 100 times would you answer at least once?

I sit here and I think about what you're doing and I hope that you are laughing at some random joke that unscrambled itself from your mind, in a moment where you should be paying attention to something else but now youre laughing and trying to hide the smile on your face that spreads across and opens up your teeth to the world and infects everyone around you with a joy that they havent felt in, lord knows how long.

Do you think we will see eachother ever again?

Would it be in this life or maybe the next?

I guess the question should be, would you want to see eachother again?

I often think about how we collided in this life and I cant help but wonder if it were different.

Where would we be now? Would it be better? Worse? I mean obviously theres no way to know this for sure but maybe in another life time we could remember bits and pieces of this one and we can try a different strategy and see what comes of it.

Whats that movie with Tom Cruise? The one with Emily blunt and they are at war with aliens and he dies over and over again and remmebers pieces of it everytime and has to relive the same thing over again until he finally kills the alien that caused the loop? something to do with "tomorrow" in the name. Im just thinking Day after tomorrow but thats a different movie haha.

Anyway, maybe that could happen. We could rememebr things and then change things as we see fit so that the end gets closer and closer to the one we desire the most until finally we reach where we need to be. Want to be. Im tired of being in the place I need to be and want to be where I want to be.

Is this life where I want to be or where I need to be?

I have this thought often as well. I remember when I was younger, I heard, I didnt read it, I heard that it was an unforgettable sin to kill yourself and that always stuck with me. I am not the most religious person in the world but I have my beliefs and I just dont know enough to say for a fact that what will happen to me after my lights are out here in this life.

Will I wake up as a squirrel and now I live my life finding acorns and stashing them for winter?

Or will I wake up in a pearly gate sanctuary where no pain ever exisits?

Worse, will I burn in a firey hell for the rest of eternity. No escape and no redos.

The thought of eternity scares the fuck out of me. Death doesnt scare me. But eternity of not knowing. That scares me.

I know thats why they say have faith and I understand that too.

The problem is, that doesnt stop the feelings of this life from taking over, right?

Does that make sense?

I can have as much faith in the afterlife as I want but that doesnt stop human feelings of the now life from coming out and into the surface.

Maybe this is all in my head. Well obviously its all in my head. You arent real. Im back to talking to myself again and expecting an answer from someone who isnt here anymore. Or never was probably.

This isnt a prayer of some sort. This isnt a cry for help. I just wanted to have a conversation with you because thats what we used to do. So long ago anyway. I think about it sometimes and I wonder if youll even answer. Wonder if you even think about it.

If I asked how you were, would you answer me?

Or would I just be talking to myself again?

I hope you are smiling and the weight of this world is nowhere to be found for you.

Keep that smile bright.

-End-